How to Build a Biological Clock Out of a Potato

Megan Amram writes complete instructions in the FREE new Health and Fitness issue of The Occasional! Here are some excerpts: 

Literally every woman has a ticking time bomb within them that someday will explode and tell you to have millions of babies like a disgusting spider striped with stretch marks laying a fetid egg sac. This is called a “biological clock.” It might explode when you’re 16 or it might explode when you’re 41 (Old Maid much?), but it’s going to happen.

STEP #4: Pull over. You got lost on the way to the grocery store, didn’t you? Just ask a kindly gas station attendant or barkeep for directions. They’ll be sure to help you if you give a little smile and show a little gam!

NOTE: IF YOU WERE ASSAULTED BY A GAS STATION ATTENDANT, FOLLOW STEP 5. IF YOU WERE NOT, SKIP TO STEP 6.

STEP #5: Do not shower. Immediately call 911.